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DISCUSSION Funny Jokes

Discussion in 'Gabbing' started by Iskander, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. Made me laugh! Figured I'd share it with you all!

    The Husband Store:

    A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...
    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...
    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...
    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...
    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.
    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.
    (scroll down and keep reading!)

    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.
    The first floor has wives that love sex.
    The second floor has wives that love sex, have their own money and like beer.
    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
     
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  2. My newly pregnant sister sent me this (for the record, she and her husband are very excited about the new addition to their family):

    IMG_0094.jpg
     
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  3. I remember not understanding the joke as a kid when I watched:



    My dad's favorite when I was growing up went like this: When I was a kid I knew a guy who had green hair! But when we asked him why his hair was green, all he'd say was *sniffles, wipes nose and runs snotty hand over hair* "I don't know!"

    Might not translate as well to text.
     
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  4. It actually made me grin behind the screen and that's a miracle in itself. Quite funny lmfaoooo
     
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  5. HAHAHAH PREGNANCY JOKE! That was fucking hilarious.
     
  6. I used to tell that one all the time when I was younger! But in the form of a blonde joke lol

    My uncle's mother-in-law is from another country and is learning English while she lives in America with my uncle and his husband. She'll say the funniest things. This is actually a conversation that took place in my uncle's kitchen:

    Mother-in-law: Oh, you eat very healthy.

    Uncle: Thank you... why do you say that?

    Mother-iin-law: You stay away from the four white powders: sugar, salt, flour, cocaine.


    xD
    She's my favorite person in the world, and I haven't even met her
     
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  7. That one is old as Edison, but funny.
     
  8. One day, a woman got on a commuter train and sat down gulping down her coffee. As the train started up, she finished her coffee, but felt the need to go. She held it for a while, but got up to use the bathroom and could not find it!

    She looked for the coachman, and asked, "Sir, could you please point me in the direction of the Ladies' Room?"

    "I apologise, Ma'am, but this is a short trip, and there are no facilities. Can you hold it until we reach Akron?"

    "What?! I guess I am going to have to!" Well, she suddenly felt gas cramps and realised the coffee and espresso on an empty stomach made her have to go another way. She bent down, and the Coachman asked her, "Ma'am? If you REALLY have to go, some people stick their bottoms out the window, and I hold up a towel."

    "That's insane!" she quipped, but quickly bent over in pain. "Oh, fine, do it."

    Well, she got up to the window, and the coachman got the towel to protect her privacy, and she let fly with one explosive queefing fart!

    Two hobos were walking the rails and got sprayed!!!

    Hobo One: "Did you see that? We just got sprayed with chewing tobacco!"
    Hobo Two: "Are you kidding? You should have seen the jaws it all came from! Holy shit!"

    ------------------------------------------------
    What stinks worse than anything else on the planet?
    An anchovy's vagina!
    ------------------------------------------------

    One day, a lil' ol' grampa and a lil' ol' granny were rocking on their porch.

    Well, the day was just wasting away, and then the granny, out of nowhere, punched the lil' ol' grampa upside the head!

    "What the Hell didja do that fer?"

    She said, "That's fer havin' such a small pecker."

    Well, the day just went on wasting away as they continued rocking in their chairs, and suddenly the grampa socked the granny upside the head!

    "What in the Hell was that fer?" she demanded.

    "That's fer knowin' what a different sized pecker looks like."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    One day, there was a greasy spoon on a corner, and inside was an old fart at the counter eating chili and drinking beer!

    A respectable couple entered, and they sat down next to the old fart and ordered Martini's with olives.

    The old fart farted out real loud next to the woman, and the husband said, "How dare you fart before my wife?!"

    The old-timer said, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know it was her turn!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    (Anybody follow University of Georgia Bulldogs Football?)

    A U.Ga. student in his truck with the Georgia plates ran off Interstate east of the South Carolina border. He wrapped his truck around a tree and died!

    Well, the Anderson County coroner's medical team took him in to the hospital, and the Chief Medical Examiner looked at the beaten up unclothed corpse and noticed several U.Ga. and bulldog tattoos.

    BUT! He also noticed a cork in his anus. Removing it, the anus pucked out, "How 'bout them Dawgs?!"
    He immediately put the cork back in the dead Georgia fan's anus.

    Thinking to himself, he thought, (That did not happen. I imagined it!)

    The coroner took the cork out, and the anus once again said, "How 'bout them Dawgs?!"

    He shoved the cork back into the rectum and ran to get the S.C. State Trooper who brought the dead guy in.

    "Look! Listen to this ... I think I am going crazy!"

    The M.E. removed the cork, and once again, the anus said, "How 'bout them Dawgs?!"

    The State Trooper said, "Who gives a shit about some asshole from Georgia saying 'how 'bout them Dawgs'"?
    --------------------------------------------------------------

    There once was a fellow named Perkin,
    Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
    His father, said, "Perkin,
    Quit jerkin' your gherkin.
    Your gherkin's for ferkin' not jerkin'."
     
    #8 Silver Soldier Charlotte, Jan 27, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2018
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  9. Funny jokes?

    - Me.
    - My life.
    - My relationships.
    - Me in general.

    :)
     
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  10. If we were books, do you think Norman would Reedus?

    Mufasa was the first feline to prove not all cats land on their feet.

    Snape wasnt the herbology teacher because his Lily died.
     
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  11. Not a joke but I love these riddles, they were from my grandfather and my dad respectively:

    "If a hen a day, lays an egg a day... How many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?"

    and

    "What color was Napoleon's white horse?"

    Tell them in person to someone and watch them think a little too hard about the answer, it's great.
     
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  12. Two old ladies at a family reunion were arguing with each other.

    "A'm mad at yew! Yew said mah husband had a wart on his dick!"

    "Ah nevuh said he had a wart on his dick; I said it FELT like he had a wart on his dick!"

    ---------------------

    What does a girl from Tasmania say after sex?
    "Roll off of me, Daddy; you're crushing my cigarettes."
     
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  13. What's more dangerous than a room full of angry Narn?
    One angry Narn with the key.
     
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  14. I know for a DAMN FACT when my boyfriend had the best blowjob I ever gave him! I had to yank the sheets out of his crack!
    --------------------
    My Boyfriend knows I got way too fat when I sat on his face, and he said he could not hear the stereo playing.
    -------------------------
    My Mom was a very neat person. She used to put newspaper underneath the Cuckoo Clock.
    ------------------
    My boyfriend never understood the saying, "Love your neighbour as you love yourself." He asked me, "WHAT? Am I supposed to jerk him off too?"
    ----------------------
    One day, a man went to a restaurant and ordered soup.
    "Hey! There's a hair in my soup! If you don't comp my meal, I'll sue and shut down this restaurant!"
    They comped his meal, and he refused to tip the server. Well, he leaves, and the server follows him. She walks behind a good distance and he goes into a brothel.

    She finds out what room he's in, and busts in, and he is eating a girl out.

    "You complain about a hair in my soup, and you're eating hair pie?!?!?"

    He said, "Yeah, and if I find a noodle in her pussy, I'm not paying for it either!"
     
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  15. A while ago, my best friend got a haircut that was out of pure spite to his parents. He shaved off the sides completely, left the top all curly, and died it hot pink.

    We were in the cafeteria and I turn to him. "Yo... Dave."

    "What?"

    "Whenever school gets out. You gotta tell us who that guy is so we can kick his ass."

    "...Who? What are you on about?"

    "The guy who gave you that fucked up haircut."
     
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  16. An American contractor in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is really horny one day, and goes up to a village elder and asks, "You know where I can get some pussy around here?"

    "Well, we have a camel in the back, you can try it," he told the American.

    Well, the American contractor shrugged his shoulders, went to see the camel and came back in about half an hour.

    "That was quick!" said the village elder. "You've been to town and back this quick and found some pussy in the city?"
     
  17. I am REALLY bad at SEX!

    ....

    I only say that, because one night a Peeping Tom was booing me. XD
     
  18. Not a joke like what did the camel say to the sloth but still a joke
    [​IMG]